BPD Explained Simply by Someone with BPD

If you or a loved one has Borderline personality disorder (BPD), then a simple explanation of the experience of someone else with BPD might help you to open your eyes and understand yourself or a loved one better. Remember that not every part of my BPD explanation will be relevant to your situation.

In this short article, I attempt to share my experience with BPD in a simple manner in the hopes that you can relate to it.

My BPD experience explained simply

Okay, let me mention straight away that I feel either everything at once or nothing at all. I either feel intense emotional pain, joy, or completely empty. I often struggle with determining whether to love, hate, or not even bother. I frequently sabotage myself out of relationships. Fear of abandonment is the greatest driver of my behavior. I don't intentionally hurt myself or anyone else. However, it seems as if everyone is out there to hurt me, so I'm constantly alert. I've become an expert at reading people's facial expressions and behaviors. However, every slight change feels like a personal attack and can trigger my fear. As a reaction, I abandon those who I'm afraid will leave me. I need constant reassurance and validation. It's hard for me to trust anyone with this constant fear. And when I do trust someone, I tend to be overly open about myself, which sometimes causes people to distance themselves from me, and then it realizes and reinforces the fear.

Everything is extreme and extra, including relationships, thoughts, and emotions. I frequently experience anxiety, stress, shame, frustration, and sadness. Emotions that others feel normally, such as sadness and happiness, are already overwhelming to me. For me, romantic relationships are everything, and they are what bring me the most joy in life. I, subjectively, experience more intenser highs and lows than someone without BPD. Unfortunately, my emotional lows always linger longer than my highs.

I keep overthinking until I'm sure I've found the answers to my false assumptions. Because, in general, I don't feel confident. Most of the time, I have no idea who I am or what I’m worth. I'm constantly confused about my authentic self and my purpose. I frequently mimic other people's opinions and behaviors since I lack a solid personality structure. I start to automatically use the same words others use in their vocabulary, like activities or interests they enjoy, and even dislike certain people they don’t like. I learned in my childhood that my opinions were invalid, which created self-doubt. I'm afraid to be rejected and abandoned. And ultimately, I'm afraid to be myself, so I mimic other people to make sure I'm likable. No matter what I do, I always wonder if I'm doing it wrong, and the only way I can find comfort is when someone else affirms that I'm doing it correctly or shows me how to do it.

Despite how much I care about people and consider their feelings, I frequently receive criticism for being egotistical and selfish, and sometimes I start to believe it. This is because people only see my outbursts and can't see what's going on inside. The word that describes people with BPD the best, in my opinion, is unstable in terms of thinking, behavior, and emotions. I can't trust myself because my mood, thoughts, and opinions frequently change. But under all the chaotic emotions and personality shifts, it might be difficult to understand that we just want to be loved, feel relevant, and not be alone.

Read more on everything about BPD explained by someone with BPD.